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Mel Kiper Works His Magic in Illinois

February 5, 2010

Not sure what joke I can even add to this fray:

Scott Lee Cohen — a pawnbroker who shocked state Democratic leaders Tuesday night by winning the party’s nomination for lieutenant governor — was arrested about four-and-a-half years ago and accused of holding a knife to a former live-in girlfriend’s neck, newly obtained court records show.

The misdemeanor charge against Cohen was dropped weeks later when the woman — who had just been found guilty of prostitution — failed to show up to testify, according to those records.

Judd Apatow couldn’t even have written that even if Judd Apatow were a funny writer.  Really, Illinois?  But wait!  There’s more:

Acknowledging that he behaved badly while taking anabolic steroids in 2005 when his marriage broke up, Cohen said he understands why his past has caused a firestorm within the party. As of Thursday evening no other politicians had contacted him to ask him to step down, he said.

Let’s see if I’ve got this straight: guy gets divorced, guy starts juicing, guy starts dating a hooker, guy then moves in with said hooker, guy then assaults said hooker, case gets dropped because the hooker didn’t show up to court, and, four years later, guy wins the Democratic nomination for lieutenant governor of the great state of Illinois.  Is that right?  That sounds more like the plot to Edmond than an actual real-life occurrence.

I guess my only real question, besides the obvious “What the hell are the Dems doing and why hasn’t anybody asked him to step down yet?!?!” query that I won’t ask because this really is one of those things that’s too funny, has to do with this:

“It was a difficult time in my life. I was going through a divorce, and I fell in with the wrong crowd,” Cohen said.

With exactly which crowd did he think he was going to “fall in”?  I don’t claim to have any knowledge on the preferences of the fairer sex, but, by and large, real life isn’t “Jersey Shore”.  The ladies that are into juiceheads are the kind of ladies that get caught streetwalking and then don’t show up to court.  To say that this was poor judgment is to give a nomination for Understatement of the Year.  But hey, there’s no way he’ll exhibit any of that kind of judgment as soon as he’s lieutenant governor!  This guy makes drafting Kwame Brown look like the Patriots’ finding Tom Brady in the sixth round.  (Wanna know the real Understatement of the Year?  Kwame Brown’s Wikipedia page says, “He has not met the high expectations that marked his arrival into the NBA”.  You don’t say, Wiki users.  You don’t say.)

Anyway, Scott Lee Cohen’s record has to shatter some sort of, well, record for bad behavior by a political nominee.  I mean, steroids?  Was he just that fed up with Barry Bonds’s record?  Of course, this also has to be a the record for Worst Person You Can Nominate During a Year In Which You’re Going to Get Walloped at the Voting Booths Anyway by a Political Party.  Then again, it is Illinois.  He’ll probably do a great job.

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